"What are you going to do after you graduate?," they all ask. With a grimace on my face, I always respond with, "I have no idea!" I try to laugh and make the situation seem more lighthearted than it really is. I know that people ask that question out of genuine interest, for the most part, because they care and they really want to know. The truth is, however, I really do know. The constant, dull pangs of my beating heart always tell me the same answer when that question is asked: I want to make a difference. But, I can't say it out loud. I know full well how naive such a statement would sound. Majoring in sociology has taught me that one person changing the world is impossible. The problems of a fallen people in a fallen world are wrapped in political, economic, and even religious systems with so many layers and such complexity that it seems impossible to make even a small impact. But, even with the knowledge that I have, my answer remains the same. I want to make a difference. I don't know how, I don't know where, and I don't know when. But, I want to change something, somewhere, or someone, for the better. I want to die having left a mark, not because I want to be remembered, but because I want to die knowing that I did all that I could for this beautifully broken world. I want to make a difference.
Alas, I am quite aware that my quest to change the world is not possible nor feasible. But, the fear of the future is very real. In a few months, I will be a college graduate who is broke, homeless, and jobless (unless things fall together before then); but, I will have a degree in hand and knowledge in my head. I guess that makes it a little bit less scary. There's been a restlessness deep in my soul for quite some time - a desire to see it all, experience it all, and take the whole world in. Wanderlust. Those who know me well at all know that if I had the chance to hop on a plane headed really anywhere in the world tomorrow, I would do it. That terrifies people and there aren't many people I know that would do the same. One of those stupid movies that no one really likes, but I love, is New Year's Eve. Its corny and has a bunch of different story lines that meet at the end, giving you a heart-warming feeling and an overwhelming sense of optimism for the future. In the middle of the movie, a teen girl named Hailey says to her mom, "The world doesn't scare me, okay? Its just getting good. I wanna start living in it!" Thats how I feel. This has resonated with me so much as the reality of the "real world" coming so quickly has begun to sink in. If I could do anything and money was no cost, I would move to the Philippines or India and just love orphans for the rest of my life. And honestly, it is hard for me to imagine living in the United States for the rest of my life at a 9-5 office job, driving from one place to the next. But, my dream is not really an option at this point in my life. So, as I try to plan my years after graduation, I feel nothing but confused.
Do you ever hear a song that sounds as if it was written for you at that moment in time? This week, I've had that experience twice. I truly believe that there's a reason I heard both of the songs when I did. Because they have calmed me and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. Yesterday, I heard a song called "Help Me Find It." Its one of those very mom-esque songs that plays on K-Love in the van on the way to the grocery store. The style of the song alone is something I normally would have skipped right past, but the lyrics pray something profound and beautiful. "I don't know where to go from here; it all used to seem so clear; I'm finding I can't do this on my own...I will trust in You; I'm finally letting go; You've never failed before...If there's a road I should walk; help me find it; If I need to be still; give me peace for the moment; whatever your will, can you help me find it..." Beautiful, right? I can put up with the cheesy and cliche tune for those words. I usually find myself scheming to travel, and maybe that's God's will, but maybe its not. Maybe just being still is something I need to learn to teach my restless soul to do. One of my favorite bands, Rend Collective Experiment released a new album this week and one of the songs, titled "Movement" sings: "I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are the movement and fight in me; I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are my hope where I wanna be, come move in me...I won't walk away, I won't walk away." Exodus 14:14 reads, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." I don't need to pave the way for my future. God has given me gifts that I don't even notice and wherever He leads me, He will equip me. He will fight for me and be the movement within me. No matter where the future brings me, it doesn't need to be scary. I'm beginning to see it as exciting, rather than daunting. There is so much potential in the world and in life.
I don't know what the future holds right now. I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. Maybe it holds a lifetime of travel. Maybe it holds a 9-5 office job. Maybe it holds something else. Whatever it does hold, though, I can be excited for it. And, no matter what the future brings, I will keep believing in the naivety of my dream: I will make a difference.
Alas, I am quite aware that my quest to change the world is not possible nor feasible. But, the fear of the future is very real. In a few months, I will be a college graduate who is broke, homeless, and jobless (unless things fall together before then); but, I will have a degree in hand and knowledge in my head. I guess that makes it a little bit less scary. There's been a restlessness deep in my soul for quite some time - a desire to see it all, experience it all, and take the whole world in. Wanderlust. Those who know me well at all know that if I had the chance to hop on a plane headed really anywhere in the world tomorrow, I would do it. That terrifies people and there aren't many people I know that would do the same. One of those stupid movies that no one really likes, but I love, is New Year's Eve. Its corny and has a bunch of different story lines that meet at the end, giving you a heart-warming feeling and an overwhelming sense of optimism for the future. In the middle of the movie, a teen girl named Hailey says to her mom, "The world doesn't scare me, okay? Its just getting good. I wanna start living in it!" Thats how I feel. This has resonated with me so much as the reality of the "real world" coming so quickly has begun to sink in. If I could do anything and money was no cost, I would move to the Philippines or India and just love orphans for the rest of my life. And honestly, it is hard for me to imagine living in the United States for the rest of my life at a 9-5 office job, driving from one place to the next. But, my dream is not really an option at this point in my life. So, as I try to plan my years after graduation, I feel nothing but confused.
Do you ever hear a song that sounds as if it was written for you at that moment in time? This week, I've had that experience twice. I truly believe that there's a reason I heard both of the songs when I did. Because they have calmed me and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. Yesterday, I heard a song called "Help Me Find It." Its one of those very mom-esque songs that plays on K-Love in the van on the way to the grocery store. The style of the song alone is something I normally would have skipped right past, but the lyrics pray something profound and beautiful. "I don't know where to go from here; it all used to seem so clear; I'm finding I can't do this on my own...I will trust in You; I'm finally letting go; You've never failed before...If there's a road I should walk; help me find it; If I need to be still; give me peace for the moment; whatever your will, can you help me find it..." Beautiful, right? I can put up with the cheesy and cliche tune for those words. I usually find myself scheming to travel, and maybe that's God's will, but maybe its not. Maybe just being still is something I need to learn to teach my restless soul to do. One of my favorite bands, Rend Collective Experiment released a new album this week and one of the songs, titled "Movement" sings: "I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are the movement and fight in me; I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are my hope where I wanna be, come move in me...I won't walk away, I won't walk away." Exodus 14:14 reads, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." I don't need to pave the way for my future. God has given me gifts that I don't even notice and wherever He leads me, He will equip me. He will fight for me and be the movement within me. No matter where the future brings me, it doesn't need to be scary. I'm beginning to see it as exciting, rather than daunting. There is so much potential in the world and in life.
I don't know what the future holds right now. I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. Maybe it holds a lifetime of travel. Maybe it holds a 9-5 office job. Maybe it holds something else. Whatever it does hold, though, I can be excited for it. And, no matter what the future brings, I will keep believing in the naivety of my dream: I will make a difference.
