[ r a w ]

I don't know about you, but the world and all of its brokenness have a way of getting me down.  Innocent people being massacred in a movie theater (a movie that I was watching at the time it all happened).  Young girls being sold into prostitution because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The ever growing gap between the rich and the poor.  Dozens dead from a bad rainstorm in Asia.  The real issues, the things that matter seem to be constantly slid under the carpet and ignored; after all, it is more fun and much easier to hear about the upcoming olympic athletes and all of the great things that the presidential candidates have to offer.  But it seems that whenever I'm not thinking about the world, I'm focused on my own loneliness, which shrivels in comparison to those around the world who may be truly alone.  But, I blame it on the devil.  I've been casually flipping through and re-reading parts of C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters and it is terrifying just how Screwtape tries to steal humanity away from Christ and His goodness.  The scary thing is that the devil is like that and I've seen his handiwork all over the world; this summer, it seems like making me feel completely alone is the task.  Scarily, it usually works.

For some reason, though (I suppose I don't really believe in coincidences, making it more of a God thing than anything else), today I thought it would be a good idea to flip through old sermon notes; there was no reason for it, I just wanted to.  As I was turning the pages of my journal, something that I had written down jumped out at me and I was reminded of one of Mark Driscoll's sermons that I had heard a while back in Seattle.  He said, in reference to fear and suffering, "They can take everything from you, but they cannot take your Jesus."  Things flew back into perspective. The world is going to continue to be broken - I can spend my life working for the Kingdom and making it a little bit of a better place, but things are going to continue to be terribly messed up until the beautiful day when Christ returns.  The devil can strip everything from me - my friends, my momentary happiness, all of it.  But you know what satan?  You can't take my Jesus.  And after all, He's really all that matters.  He is joy and peace and love and all that is good in life.  My Jesus can get me through, and no one can take my Heavenly Father from me.  How cool is that? 

being present.

Sometimes, my mind just swims.  Thoughts, ideas and feelings move about like particles caught up in a whirlwind.  My head and my heart find it so easy to be stuck in the past, stuck in what was.  Usually, my thoughts are caught up in India, the Philippines, and Vietnam. Reminiscing leaves me feeling as though I can smell the incense being burned for the gods throughout the country of India, masking the gut-wrenching smell of cities without sewer systems.  Its as if I can hear the orphaned children in the Philippines singing, "Be brave little one, someone is waiting for you..." I can almost taste the at-times overwhelming mint leaves in Vietnamese sandwiches.  Its as if I can see the bright colors all around me, feel the touch of those who left their mark forever on my heart.   I can't usually go a day without remembering the people and places that have changed my life, my outlook, my actions, and perspectives forever.  The people I have met, as well as those I have only seen from afar have impacted me and who I am and for that reason, its hard for me to not fixate on the past, spend hours looking through pictures, reading my journals and wishing more than anything I was back there, wherever "there" may be at any given point in time.  Because for some reason, those places felt like home.  Those places were hard, sad, and stretching.  But those places brought clarity.

This week, I've been thinking about how potentially detrimental such thought processes may be.  Philippians 3:13 says, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead."  I've heard sermons and talks about this verse on New Years in regards to forgetting past sins, hardships, and wrongdoings.  To me, suddenly, there is new clarity.  I don't think that Paul meant so simply that on New Years, we should read Philippians 3:13 and set a new resolution - maybe that is part of it - but I think its much bigger than that.  Tom Hopkins said, "Look at your past.  Your past has determined where you are at this moment.  What you do today will determine where you are tomorrow.  Are you moving forward or standing still?"  Gandhi said, "The future depends on what we do in the present."  Living in the past, whether the good memories or the bad, are keeping me from making the future a better place.  The past - The Philippines, India, and Vietnam - has shaped me, but the importance is not living in those experiences, but rather integrating what I learned there into my future actions.

So right now, I'm trying to be present.  I'm trying to live in the here & now.  I'm trying to make every single day count, because each and every day is precious.  The past doesn't have to stay in the past because it can shape today and tomorrow, but the past cannot be the only thing defining today.