what have i gotten myself into?

Before I went to India, I started my very first blog post with a Shane Claiborne quote.  It seemed so fitting.  "All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely.  But dear children, do not tiptoe.  Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe." I was reminded of that quote while writing a note for Grace, who is spending the next 3 months in Guatemala.  She posted it on Facebook today and I read it while I was talking to Nick on the phone.  I chuckled as I read the quote, being reminded of the beauty in the words of Mr. Claiborne, telling Nick how much I love that quote.

While on vacation with my family prior to dropping Nick of at college, I had a conversation over the phone with a Peace Corps rep.  It was a very short and somewhat odd conversation and while speaking to the rep, I wasn't sure why the conversation was necessary or what it was really about at all.  As the conversation began to come to a close, the rep told me that my application was under consideration and was clear for an invitation.  "Well that's great," I thought, "But I was expecting that invitation months ago."  Just as that thought filled my mind, the rep said, "And I am processing your invitation as we speak.  It should be in your inbox within the hour.  Have a nice day!"  I replied, "Great.  Wow.  Okay, yes, you have a great day too.  Bye."  And I sat there.  What the heck had happened?  It was as if I couldn't do anything but sit there, staring at my computer screen.  About 20 minutes after the phone call ended, I received the email titled "Invitation!"  I had been invited to serve in Indonesia.  I told my family to come and read the email and excitedly they congratulated me on the invitation and quickly began to talk about planning a trip to visit.

I remember finding out that I had been accepted to the India Studies Program.  I told my parents about it over Skype.  I vividly remember my mom saying, "You don't sound very excited..." and through tears I told her that I wasn't excited.  I wanted to go to Australia or somewhere cool, with beaches and people that spoke English.  I didn't want to go to India.  At all.  But, I had a feeling deep down to my core that I needed to go.  So, I told my mom that I really couldn't have been less excited but I knew I had to go.  That summer, before I left, I heard a sermon.  It was about the man who refused to give up his comfortable life to follow Jesus and as he did so, he walked away from Jesus feeling sad.  The take-away was just that:  don't walk away sad.  I knew that if I said "no" to India, I would be walking away sad.

As I found out that I had been invited to Indonesia, and began to tell friends and extended family, I wondered why everyone just assumed that I would go.  I understand how silly that sounds, but it was as though no one considered how huge of a commitment 27 months is.  Indonesia for more than 2 years?  Thats a huge deal.  But, everyone was so excited for me so I put on my best excited face too and pretended to not have a worry in the world.  The more I thought about it, though, the greater the anxiety within me was building.  My dad kept asking if I had accepted the invitation and I repeatedly said no.  He reminded me that I only have a few days to accept and that I should do that soon.  Today, when everyone was at work, I sat on the couch, and, with tear-stained cheeks, read through the hundreds and hundreds of pages of manuals and books of assignment information that is sent along with the invitation.  If I accepted that invitation, what the heck was I getting myself into?  Certainly something for which I am vastly unprepared.  I know nothing about Indonesia and I have never taught older kids/young adults, I've only tutored first graders.  Fear was crippling me and all I wanted to do was decline my invitation and forget about it.  I texted my Nick, through tears, asking what I was getting myself into if I went to Indonesia for 27 months.  He replied saying that it sounded so much longer when you count it in months.  I told him that it was scary and that I didn't want to go anymore.  And what he told me was what I needed to hear, "I think those fears should never give way to tiptoeing.  Its terrifying.  But you won't regret it."  I'm not sure how a 19 year old can be so wise beyond his years, but he is.  And when he said that, I knew I couldn't decline the invitation.  I still don't know what I'm getting myself into, but I know that great (and ridiculously difficult) things are laid out for my time in Indonesia and the last thing I want to do is walk away sad.

So, an hour ago, I accepted my invitation.  My parents were glad I finally did so and gave me big hugs.  Matt walked in to the living room and I told him that I had accepted.  He said he knew I would.  "How did you know that?"  He told me he just knew.  It seems that everyone but me knew that I couldn't walk away from such an incredible opportunity and exciting adventure.  I don't think anyone knew how strongly I was weighing the option of declining that invitation.  But honestly, I don't know if I really would have been able to decline if I had tried.  I don't want to tiptoe through life and I certainly don't want to walk away sad, I just needed a little reminder.  I'm still terrified and anxious and nervous for my unpreparedness and for all that I will miss by being gone for that long.  You know what though?  I'm also so excited.  I'm going to Indonesia.  I'm going to be brave and I'm going to travel across the globe for more than 2 years all by myself and teach English.

I recently attended the Global Leadership Summit and the opening speaker focused on Deuteronomy 31:6 and Joshua 1:9.  Be strong and Courageous.  So here I go, fostering strength and courage that I can only get from God.  I'm going to Indonesia!

eyes to the skies

I'm sitting at a table on the third floor of the library, not getting as much studying done as I really should, with two of my best friends as we try to stifle giggles and not cause a ruckus.  Outside the window, the sy is blue with few clouds in sight, Fremont bridge in the distance and the mountains tucked barely in view behind it.  The wind whispers so softly that the leaves on the trees dance lightly.  I see students shuffling across the sidewalk, some looking very studious as if about to tip over from the weight of a heavily-laden book load and some in shorts, tank tops, and sundresses as if without a care in the world.  Suddenly, it hits me.  This is the last time I will sit on the third floor of the library.  This is the last time I will study for an exam and this is the last time that I will ever do these things with my friends who have really become more like family.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun has since gone down and this day has almost come to a close.  As I walked home from the library, I couldn't help but stare at the clear night sky.  The stars were twinkling, as if to remind the world that they still do glimmer from time to time and when they do, they shine as elegantly as ever.  The night sky, though dark as it was, glowed with a blue hue, a hopeful hue that tomorrow will bring chirping birds and a warm, shining sun.  As I sit in my room, I hear the constant dull murmur of college life - the passing of cars, the distant voices, and the occasional passersby.  In a few minutes, it will be Wednesday and this Tuesday will be forever in the past, out of the grasp of sight, sound, or touch.  The present has and continues to become but a memory.  

How did I get here?

6:30 am.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Snooze.  6:35 am.  Pink sky.  Chirping birds singing melodies.  Out of bed.  Dressed.  Mini Wheats.  Studying.  And, as I wash the green bowl that once held my Mini Wheats, I wonder how I got here.  In less than 9 weeks from now, I will have a college degree.  I will be a college graduate.  All of this schooling that has been the only way of life I have ever known will be over.

1:30 pm.  Rush into the elementary school.  "Miss Erin! How long have you been gone?" "2 Weeks. It was my spring break!" "What?! It feels like its been 2 whole months!"  This, accompanied by hugs and "We missed you!" by numerous 1st and 2nd graders reminds me why I love this place.  And yet, this too, will end in 9 short weeks.

4:30 pm.  Reading.  4 articles. 6 book chapters. 3 textbook chapters.  Daunting.  Reading.  Highlighting.  Note taking.  Writing.  2 papers.  Its only the first Monday of class.  Two years ago, I would have hated every minute of it.  This year, however, amidst the business and complete exhaustion, I have loved it.  Most days, I have just been trying to stay afloat; winning the race isn't even a thought.  But, staying afloat has become okay for the first time in my life, because, I love my classes and I wouldn't want to drop any of them.

10:30 pm.  Here I sit.  I can't help but look back on this year and be reminded of how constantly chaotic and overwhelming this year has been.  18 and 19 credit quarters, 13 hour work weeks, daily trips to the library, and a sleep schedule that has been functioning on less than 5 hours per night has been my senior year.  Ice cream study breaks and 30 second dance parties with my roommates and best friends have become normal.

Part of me is relieved that this year of overwhelming stress is almost over, but part of me is incredibly saddened.  Where am I supposed to go from here?  I still don't know; it really is too bad there isn't a manual for life, because it would come in handy right now.  But, as I am forced to imagine what the future may hold, I am reminded of how heartbroken I was throughout my India experience.  It was hard.  There were days I hated it and there were days I loved it.  That is how college has been - some days I just want it to be over, and some I wish it would last forever.  But, just as the season of my time in India came to a close, so my time in college is about to come to a close.  I know that it will be happy and sad and wonderful and difficult all wrapped into one very mixed up and torn Erin, but I know that whatever is next is a new season.  New seasons bring new fruit, new flowers, and new activities.  What a beautiful life I live.  

old.

"What are you going to do after you graduate?," they all ask.  With a grimace on my face, I always respond with, "I have no idea!"  I try to laugh and make the situation seem more lighthearted than it really is.  I know that people ask that question out of genuine interest, for the most part, because they care and they really want to know.  The truth is, however, I really do know.  The constant, dull pangs of my beating heart always tell me the same answer when that question is asked: I want to make a difference.  But, I can't say it out loud.  I know full well how naive such a statement would sound.  Majoring in sociology has taught me that one person changing the world is impossible.  The problems of a fallen people in a fallen world are wrapped in political, economic, and even religious systems with so many layers and such complexity that it seems impossible to make even a small impact.  But, even with the knowledge that I have, my answer remains the same.  I want to make a difference.  I don't know how, I don't know where, and I don't know when.  But, I want to change something, somewhere, or someone, for the better.  I want to die having left a mark, not because I want to be remembered, but because I want to die knowing that I did all that I could for this beautifully broken world.  I want to make a difference.

Alas, I am quite aware that my quest to change the world is not possible nor feasible.  But, the fear of the future is very real.  In a few months, I will be a college graduate who is broke, homeless, and jobless (unless things fall together before then); but, I will have a degree in hand and knowledge in my head.  I guess that makes it a little bit less scary.  There's been a restlessness deep in my soul for quite some time - a desire to see it all, experience it all, and take the whole world in.  Wanderlust.  Those who know me well at all know that if I had the chance to hop on a plane headed really anywhere in the world tomorrow, I would do it.  That terrifies people and there aren't many people I know that would do the same.  One of those stupid movies that no one really likes, but I love, is New Year's Eve.  Its corny and has a bunch of different story lines that meet at the end, giving you a heart-warming feeling and an overwhelming sense of optimism for the future.  In the middle of the movie, a teen girl named Hailey says to her mom, "The world doesn't scare me, okay?  Its just getting good.  I wanna start living in it!"  Thats how I feel.  This has resonated with me so much as the reality of the "real world" coming so quickly has begun to sink in.  If I could do anything and money was no cost, I would move to the Philippines or India and just love orphans for the rest of my life.  And honestly, it is hard for me to imagine living in the United States for the rest of my life at a 9-5 office job, driving from one place to the next.  But, my dream is not really an option at this point in my life.  So, as I try to plan my years after graduation, I feel nothing but confused.

Do you ever hear a song that sounds as if it was written for you at that moment in time?  This week, I've had that experience twice.  I truly believe that there's a reason I heard both of the songs when I did. Because they have calmed me and reassured me that everything is going to be okay.  Yesterday, I heard a song called "Help Me Find It."  Its one of those very mom-esque songs that plays on K-Love in the van on the way to the grocery store.  The style of the song alone is something I normally would have skipped right past, but the lyrics pray something profound and beautiful.  "I don't know where to go from here; it all used to seem so clear; I'm finding I can't do this on my own...I will trust in You; I'm finally letting go; You've never failed before...If there's a road I should walk; help me find it; If I need to be still; give me peace for the moment; whatever your will, can you help me find it..."  Beautiful, right?  I can put up with the cheesy and cliche tune for those words.  I usually find myself scheming to travel, and maybe that's God's will, but maybe its not.  Maybe just being still is something I need to learn to teach my restless soul to do.  One of my favorite bands, Rend Collective Experiment released a new album this week and one of the songs, titled "Movement" sings:  "I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are the movement and fight in me; I'm running fast and free to you cuz you are my hope where I wanna be, come move in me...I won't walk away, I won't walk away." Exodus 14:14 reads, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."  I don't need to pave the way for my future.  God has given me gifts that I don't even notice and wherever He leads me, He will equip me.  He will fight for me and be the movement within me.  No matter where the future brings me, it doesn't need to be scary.  I'm beginning to see it as exciting, rather than daunting.  There is so much potential in the world and in life.

I don't know what the future holds right now.  I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation.  Maybe it holds a lifetime of travel.  Maybe it holds a 9-5 office job.  Maybe it holds something else.  Whatever it does hold, though, I can be excited for it.  And, no matter what the future brings, I will keep believing in the naivety of my dream:  I will make a difference.